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What do you need to become "Real"?

As we begin 2021 I think we can all agree 2020 was a bit of a roller coaster to say the least. For many of us it was a year of change and loss: routines, roles, relationships; what a work day meant and a real uncertainty on what tomorrow would bring. And yet, out of this adversity bravery, innovation, and resilience has soared out of the ashes in an extraordinary way. It was a year that cracked the armor surrounds many of us and to what end we may ask? I have seen first person how resilience is born out of pain and hardship. It is at the very point when we feel we can not put one foot in front of the other a shift occurs and a new way of thinking, being, living is born. Perhaps one that we could not have even imagined for ourselves.

My dear friends, if it is true and your armor, like mine, has cracked at least a bit the question becomes what is it that we will allow to shine in and out of these newly created spaces? I remember reading about an artist that created a perfect sphere out of ceramic and then climbed to the top of a ladder and dropped it to the floor and it smashed to pieces. He then painstakingly pieced the sphere back together with nuts and bolts and put it on display entitled, Shattered but not Broken. He was a vet that returned home with a shattered but not broken soul.

Buddhist philosophy and psychology suggests each of us have everything we need inside of us to be our most authentic or best selves. Mindfulness and meditation helps us remove that which no longer serves us. Those of you who have taken my meditation classes have heard me say that over and over again and that is because I know it to be true. The removing the debris, or armor as Tara Brach suggests, allows the true light of who we actually are our "real" selves to shine through. In my favourite book the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams says it best, "becoming real takes time, and sometimes by that time your whiskers are loved off and your eyes fall out, but it doesn't matter because when you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who dont understand." We are "real" the entire time it is just about us discovering our realness. You remember Dorothy she had the power inside her all the time to go home.

Being real or authentic It is not about being a perfect self, it is more about finding the grace and courage to accept ourselves dinks all. To truly take inventory and say 'Ok, this is where I am in this very moment and I accept myself unconditionally.' Full Stop. It isn't about "I will be happy when I get the promotion, right partner, down to a size 4, or have enough money to buy that special car - it is pausing in this moment and deciding to love oneself. Once we are able to accept ourselves we can begin to love others unconditionally. Like the song says, "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change."

There is an old story, perhaps you have heard it, about a huge gold Buddhist statue that was of much value to the villagers. When they heard of an impending invasion by a neighboring village the villagers worked together quickly and covered the great statue with mud and sticks and stones hiding it so it would not be stolen. The village was annihilated. Years later, when new people’s came to inhabit the land it is said a little girl caught sight of something shiny that was glistening under a pile of rocks and debris. She began to pull away years of debris that had accumulated through the years as villagers continued to throw unwanted items on this pile of rock and clay unaware of the value that lied deep within. With the help of her friends these little hands began to uncover what is now said to be the biggest Buddhist statue to this day.

As we begin 2021 I wonder what is hiding under the debris of 2020 or earlier? As Tara Brach would ask ""what feeling are you most unwilling to feel?" Now don't rush that one ... take a breath, breathe in knowing you are breathing in and then breath out knowing you are breathing out, allow your eyes to soften and even close as you ponder the thought, "what is it that I am most unwilling to feel?" After you have identified the thought set your nicest table and invite it to tea. By welcoming it to your table you are welcoming part of yourself to the table too. That hurt part. For me of late I have been struggling with migraines and the doctors don't seem to be able to get control of them. But if I stop fighting them and invite them to tea, realizing that they don't feel any better than I do, we become a team and part of the fight goes away. Unfortunately, even though I teach all of this I forget to apply it myself sometimes and often it isn't until I feel my back is up against the wall that I say to the migraine "ok jump in the backpack we are going for a walk even if we feel like crap" and we are always better afterwards.

An awesome story comes to mind about a young monk in his last step before he would become a ordained as a monk. Not sure if they get ordained but you know what I mean. His last requirement was to cross a room filled with his deepest fears and embarrassments and the only instructions he was given was that there was a door on the other side of the room and it lead to enlightenment. Before he entered the room, he asked the elder what advise he could give him? He said, "keep your feet moving there is a door on the other side." Not bad advise even if you are not a monk.

I want to close by saying 2020 was not free from positive experiences babies were made and born, friendships and partnerships grew deeper regardless or maybe because of your need to physically distance. For me, a lovely group or sangha has formed at the request of a former student asking me if I would be willing to offer a weekly meditation group in the Rose Garden in the Summer. I think of us as Spiritual-warriors that connected because of the challenges of 2020 and for that I am truly grateful.

My friends, my question for you is what is it that will be created from the ashes of 2020? What is it that you have discovered about yourself that you did not previously know? What do you need throw into your imaginary backpack or place in cupboard so that you may move forward?

So if I may, I would ask you to put down your computer or phone and find a journal or piece of paper and jot down three positive things that 2020 has brought you how you might build on these as we begin this new year. For me I began watercolor painting and am now taking piano lessons online. Maybe for you it is making a commitment to meet a friend for a walk every Tuesday regardless of how cold it is or maybe it is to get your partner to watch the kids and every Thursday night you get an hour of uninterrupted bubble bath with a glass of wine.

My friends, until next time may you be happy, may you be well, and may you find just a little more ease in your life.

Namaste,

Dr. Deb

610.554.0144

* not new website address and email:

debromberger59@gmailcom